April Fool's IMA Newsletter--2003
By IMA (Readers still ask for it...so we've kept it online)
From The Internet Marketing Attorney and HTML – High Tech Marketing for Lawyers
INTERNET LAW MARKETING NEWSLETTER
Legal Marketing in a Changing World
By Micah Buchdahl
SPRING HOLIDAY 2003—April 1, 2003
Issue #4
WELCOME
FOCUS
Law Firms Open Drive-In Windows; Newest Trend in Client Service
Legal Association of Marketers Extraordinaire Conference Recap
IMA Sells Out; Announces Sponsorship Program; IMA Awards on Ebay
THE BOOK MOBILE
Ten Tips to Increased Profitability
What Color is My Coffee Mug?
The Dummy’s Guide to Law Firm Marketing
SITES OF THE SEASON
THE SPEND
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION/FEEDBACK
HTMLAWYERS – High Tech Marketing for Lawyers
WELCOME
It is spring, and it is the beginning of the month—time for another newsletter for your Inbox. How exciting and original!
What a great chance to hawk products and services…and if you are not really careful, you might actually learn something before you’re done! Hey, hey, hey.
Happy Holidays. We’ll see you again soon.
FOCUS
Law Firms Open Drive-In Windows; Newest Trend in Client Service
By Oliver W. Douglas
Beginning the newest trend in legal marketing, international powerhouse law firm Morgan, Jones announced the opening of a drive-in window to improve client service for key corporate clients ranging from M&A work to employment law.
“To be competitive in this day and age, we need to offer a level of service that extends beyond snail mail and the Internet,” said the firm’s Chief Marketing Officer Mary Paul-Peters. “General Counsel has told us they are too busy to go through the time-consuming process of signing into a building and waiting in a conference room. Simply pull around to the window and drop off or pick up your documents.”
The drive-in window is open seven days a week, from 6 a.m. until 10 p.m. In some of the firm’s twelve international offices, the window is open late, until 1 a.m. The concept follows some of the Nation’s most efficient and effective service industries, taking a page from banking and the lucrative fast-food powers.
“Fast-food is a multi-billion dollar a year industry,” said Morgan, Jones managing partner Thomas David. “They must be doing something right. Our marketing staff learned of this concept at a fantastic law marketing soirée at the Ritz-Carlton in Boca. This is about service.”
Not to be outdone, competing firm Popper, Harrington LLP is providing clients the opportunity to super size matters, for as little as $390 extra. This includes options such as getting a second-year associate doing research on a matter instead of a first-year or paralegal.
“For the price of a second-year, you can upgrade to a third-year as well,” Popper Hamilton chairman C. Montgomery Summers stated. “We need to keep up with the Jones. This is an important step toward bringing the legal profession into the 20th Century.”
Law marketing consultant Hildey Altweiler believes that any firm without a drive-in will go the way of the buffalo—extinct! “If everybody else is either doing it, thinking about it, or claims to be considering it, you must act quickly. It will necessitate some firms to move from skyscrapers to client-friendly strip malls or ranch homes,” said Altweiler.
If your marketing department has not informed you of a need to open a drive-in, consider attending the Webinar, “Drive-In Law Firms: Bank on it!”, available for $89 online at www.LawMarketingGenius.com. The distinguished panel includes the same people that brought you “Selling Your Lawyers for Profit and Fun”, “Technology—Sell your office and just get virtual”, and “Coaching Little League and Big Partners”. For the more serious, attend the upcoming conference at the Phoenician in Scottsdale, “Drive-Ins for Decision-Makers and the Extremely Important” at www.LegalCLEBoondoggles.com.
Legal Association of Marketers Extraordinaire Conference Recap
By Eddie Murray
If you missed the Legal Association of Marketers Extraordinaire (LAME) National Conference, held recently in beautiful Pelican Bay, California, consider yourself out of the loop. Mark it down for next year, on the grounds of Pirate Island in Disney World.
“Because you have some of the greatest Mickey Mouse operations in professional services, I applaud all of you,” stated Harry Disney, at the conference’s opening. “Let the sessions begin!” Mr. Disney, who is not related or affiliated to Walt Disney, presented a stuffed rally monkey and super-duper speedy pass for Space Mountain to national organization president Jayne Quincy-Adams.
The annual gathering of the sharpest knives in the law marketing drawer was treated to an array of speakers that knew organizers of the conference, or provided sponsorship dollars. Highlights included:
The “Honor Thyself” lunch, with literally a handful of companies nominating themselves for overpriced work for law firm clients big and small. The crowd could not stop laughing at the high-energy work from Master of Ceremonies Linda C. Hammer, of local law firm Smith & Wollensky PC. MC Hammer’s rollicking monologue caused many to spit up the chicken entrée. There was dessert served as well.
“Building a Sales Force for the ‘90s” – Wal-Mart Sales executive Sam Smith suggested a “greeter” instead of a receptionist in every lobby. Amazon VP Jeffrey Wigglesworth added the importance of “free shipping” for key clients. And other terrific tips! Worth the price of admission.
Brobeck or Forget it! – Martha Day, the last remaining employee, provides marketing tips on how to be like Brobeck. The session was SRO.
Originality Is Key – Hail Goodsby CMO Sandy Berg provides ten ideas that are totally original, for you to use as well. Shhhhhhh. Everyone was sworn to secrecy.
Rookie Boot camp – Once the hazing was over (litigation pending), young marketers learned what to do from marketers that have worked at dozens of law firms over just a few years and eager vendors who could smell fresh meat.
Technology for Morons – Another SRO crowd. Tips for how to spend more on technology, while accomplishing less.
Invitation-Only Booze fest and Shrimp Bash – If you are a client of cookie-cutter brochure maker Goodman/Boorsky, your six-figure account is good for a free gift and food totaling over $100 in value! Congratulations.
IMA Sells Out; Announces Sponsorship Program; IMA Awards on Ebay
By Martin B. Dale
Seeking to put the IMA web site on equal footing with other sites in the legal marketing business, it was announced that effective today—April 1, 2003—the site will now follow the popular pay-to-play Internet strategy.
“Because this was the only site that refused sponsorship dollars to retain credibility and objectivity in the industry, people questioned the credibility and objectivity, thus appearing incredible and inobjective,” stated Micah Buchdahl of IMA. “The site will remain the same, except that the recommendations will now be based on putting money in my pocket, rather than what is really appropriate for you.”
Sponsorships for Vendors
Following the lead of similar sites, the following program is now in effect:
Vendors paying lots of money will be touted as the “best bet” in the industry, mentioned in articles and seminars, and generate lots of good will with IMA.
Vendors paying a little money will be mentioned on occasion, and suggested as a viable option.
Vendors not paying any money will be declared poor and on the way out. Anyone using them will be considered going the way of the buffalo—extinct.
Vendors paying money and later not paying any will now be declared a horrible choice for law firms of any shape and size.
Sponsorships for Law Firms
Give IMA money and your best articles and we will put them on the web site.
Sponsoring firms will be considered “pretty darn good” when the web site reviews and awards come out next year.
Give IMA lots of money and we will list your firm high on a page, and say you are really smart.
Give IMA a little money and we will list your firm a little lower down on a page, and say you are not a bad choice for legal services.
Give IMA no money and we will declare you “rumored to be under investigation” by a reputable legal organization.
Why Pay Money to be listed on the IMA Site
A recent survey shows that “everybody who is anybody” uses the IMA web site to secure legal counsel or pick vendors or hire people or do whatever it is you are interested in.
IMA may or may not have future affiliations and advertising deals with such sites as CNN, The Wall Street Journal, Google, Yahoo, AOL, Al-Jazeera, SpongeBob Squarepants, Martindale-Hubbell, Law.com, Lexis-Nexis, Lexus Autos, Playboy.com, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, ESPN SportsCenter, American Idol, the official Anna Kournikova web site (very highly trafficked), the New York Times, and many, many more.
Because other law firms are doing it, as well as jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.
REAL TESTIMONIAL – “When I looked to refer out a multi-million dollar case, I went online and blindly picked a law firm that paid to appear on the web,” said Vice President and General Counsel John LaRue of Mellonville Motor Corporation. “Thanks IMA! I hope we win the matter.”
REAL TESTIMONIAL – “I read an article and immediately called the law firm that paid to have it posted,” said GloboChem GC David Roberts. “Thanks IMA! You rule! I don’t even need to know anything about lawyers or law firms anymore. And forget my relationships and connections. You should not really do business with friends anyway.”
The flexible payment plan (send any money and we’ll figure something out) fits every law firm budget.
IMA Awards to Be Sold on Ebay
IMA and Ebay are proud to announce an affiliation for the 2004 IMA Awards and Reviews. Platinum, gold and silver awards will be put up for auction beginning in January.
“The current method of painstaking review of all sites and written recaps was a real hassle,” said IMA Micah Buchdahl. “Ebay’s spirit of doing the whole internet thing retains the spirit of the original IMAs, except that people pay money for them and there is no real work involved. This way, people can just build lamer web sites, but still receive accolades by helping pay to have my basement finished.”
IMA stresses that the awards and reviews should not receive any less credibility and recognition simply because of the new “whoring” policy. Paypal will be accepted.
THE BOOK MOBILE
Ten Tips to Increased Profitability
By J. Edgar Follstein
100% Guaranteed to increase profitability in your law firm! This new book includes the ten platinum tips for legal marketing brilliance: 1—answer your e-mail; 2—answer your voice-mail; 3—answer your mail; 4—do good work (important!); 5—be nice, limit profanity; 6—charge a reasonable price for work; 7—try to win cases more than you lose them; 8—increase fees, lower expectations; 9—get yourself one of those JDs and/or a license; 10—don’t buy the book…all the tips are listed here and you’ve just pocketed $40…increased profitability indeed! As promised!
Buy the book:
http://www.abanet.org/abapubs/home.html
What Color is My Coffee Mug?
The Best of the Legal Marketing Online Chat Room
By Jethro Clampett
Have you ever wanted to know whether or not to order Danish for a meeting? Or give out coffee mugs? Or ask people with too much time on their hands to provide free expertise that no skilled executive would ever give away for free? Or get answers from dozens of people trying to sell you stuff? This book is for you. Why waste time online? Get it all here, and take your career to new heights. A foreword by Tony Robbins.
Buy the book:
http://www.jobhuntersbible.com/intro/wciyp.shtml
The Dummy’s Guide to Law Firm Marketing
Providing copy here would be too easy. Way too easy.
Buy the book:
http://www.wiley.com/cda/product/0,,0764507788,00.html
SITES OF THE SEASON
In these trying times, it is imperative that you focused on the goings-on in the most important venue on the Globe…
www. White House .com
This site takes usability to an all new level…backwards. Can you make it less intuitive and friendly? I doubt it. Okay, the jig is up. Very funny.
www.pretiflaherty.com
THE SPEND
Survey Says…SPEND!
By Learned Sterne
An objective survey, paid for by advertising giant Garfield/Dilbert, consulting magnate Wiley/Coyote, lawyer address book Martin/Lewis and legal research guide Pricey/Waterlaw, has found that law firms will need to keep buying more stuff in 2003 if they wish to survive.
“The survey conclusively shows that firms not buying more products will go the way of the buffalo—extinct,” said Garfield president Boris Sweeney. “You might think you can spend less and get more, and be right about it, but that should not make it right.”
The survey results show that 59% of respondents will overpay and think they underpaid. At the same time, 36% will buy because they think somebody else is doing it. The remaining 44% said they will respond after seeing what everybody else says about it.
According to Waterlaw CEO Bob Mackenzie, firms that do not realize they need to spend more in these trying times obviously have not been paying attention to surveys saying otherwise. “Bottom line. Do what this objective survey suggests.”
A glossy book version of the survey is available everywhere legal services are pitched and sold. Be sure to check out the fancy graphics that show why the companies that sponsored the survey are only telling you what they’ve been trying to tell you before.
Request a free demo and the survey at www.spendlawfirmspend.com/survey/believeit
CALENDAR OF EVENTS
NCAA FINAL FOUR
What goes on in law firms and corporations during the month of March? Brackets, baby. Now, see what all the hoopla is all about.
www.finalfour.net
LAW MARKETING DECISION-MAKERS CONVENTION
You must be a high-powered law marketing professional to attend. Either that or you’ve got $1600 and can convince the partners that you need a week at a high-end resort. Enjoy…and try to attend one session while there. A who’s who of people with money to burn.
www.gassmanlegalshows.com
LES MISERABLES
Catch the final weeks of this Broadway classic. You must have a New York office, or can find some reason to go. Look for all the law firm symbolism, and get back to me.
www.lesmiserables.com
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